1. Asking the librarians if they have any books about nostril hair lamination.
2. Checking out people’s book selections while waiting in line and seeing what afflictions they have based upon their self-help choices.
3. Knowing that there is a public place where there are corners to safely pass gas. (Don’t say you don’t do it. I’ve walked into the evidence more times than I can count.)
4. Reading the local newspaper with an alarmed face, staring at someone at random until the party makes eye contact, going back to reading, looking at the person again, and repeating the process until the other person is alarmed too. Then walking away.
5. Showing up to book club meeting not having read the book but wanting to absorb people’s aurae.
6. Rearranging the biography section in order of the PANTONE color chart.
7. Asking for a discount for what I am borrowing.
8. Taking the Bookmobile on impromptu joyrides to Wrigley Field while stopping to pick up Oprah, Mike Ditka, and Mayor Emanuel along the way.
9. Entertaining the kids in the children’s section with my clown routine.
10. Looking up rude words in the big dictionary. (Admit it. It’s still fun.)